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Unconscious Monogamy is America's Filthy Kink


(skip to intro)

Unless you have consciously examined the way you were programmed to engage in relationships, you have been participating in systems of violence. The dominator/dominated power dynamic on which the U.S. was founded has yet to be collectively acknowledged, let alone healed. And as a result, it seeps into every part of our lives - including your most intimate relationships.

The dominant culture of the United States today (white supremacist, hetero-capitalist patriarchy) is the result of a subset of Europeans violently forcing their agenda onto the collective. The U.S came into existence through genocide, stolen land, stolen people and stolen labor. The violence hasn’t gone anywhere today - it’s just more hidden. I’m here to bring your secret indoctrination of violence into your conscious awareness so you can make conscious decisions about who you want to be in the face of that violence.

This three part series clarifies how your participation in Unconscious Monogamy…

  • Is a form of fear-based violence [thesis]

  • Upholds intersectional systems of oppression [Intro]

  • Minimizes love & intimacy in your daily life [Part 1]

  • Attacks your spiritual well-being (no matter your privilege) [Part 2]

  • Denies you agency [Part 3]

I know that’s a lot to take in.

Let’s pause and take three deep breaths.







By the way, my intention is to share this wisdom with compassion. I know the title is confronting - that’s the point! My gift to you - if you accept - is to bring the hidden truth into your conscious awareness so you can make intentional choices that align with your values. The reason I chose these words will become clear to you by the end of this series. Forgive me if it comes off as anything less than compassionate at face value.

To be honest, I also needed the title to grab your attention! So, now that you’re here, I want to be clear that I’m not attached to whatever relationship structure you choose to empower in your life (monogamy or otherwise).

What’s more important to me is that you HAVE a conscious choice to begin with. If you’ve only been given one option, did you really even make a choice? Did you really consent? Living in a paradigm of love and liberation is not possible without consent.

Principles of love and liberation can also be applied to your monogamous relationship if that’s the route you choose. May these words bring you clarity, hope, and a clear path forward.

This conversation is deeply nuanced, which is why I’m breaking it down into a three-part series. Please ask me your questions in the comments below and I will happily fill in the missing pieces! And, by the way, there is no end goal. How you show up in your healing is the healing. I invite your compassion and curiosity along this ride. This is not a place where we feed shame or violence. If my tone comes off as anything other than compassionate and liberatory, please let me know. It’s important to me to live in alignment with my values. It’s how I sleep at night.

All my love,



Intro: Unconscious Monogamy is America's Filthy Kink

In order to understand how Unconscious Monogamy minimizes love & intimacy in your daily life, attacks your spirit, and denies you agency we must first understand how it upholds systems of oppression.

To be blunt, Unconscious Monogamy was designed to uphold Capitalism (and other systems of oppression - see chart below). So, if you’ve never consciously examined how you’re already participating in these systems, how could you have the opportunity to live in alignment with love and liberation?

So, let’s take a look. Shall we?

Within the Patriarchy, men dominate women. Within mono-normativity, capitalists dominate workers. Within white supremacy, lighter skinned people dominate darker skinned people. Within heteronormativity, straight people dominate queer people. Within cis-normativity, cis gender people dominate transgender people.
Each one of these systems represents an exchange of power that organizes the way we distribute resources as a society. For the systems to flow smoothly, people must play the role they were assigned - either “dominator” or “dominated.”

Ok, so how is this kinky exactly?

Depending on who you ask, people will give you different definitions of kink. To me, kink is simply role play. Within consensual role play, I’ve been able to experience profound spiritual and relational healing. This is what I would refer to as ethical kink. Unethical kink, to me, is non-consensual role play. I consider this exploitation.

Unconscious Monogamy is unethical kink. If you’ve examined your options and made a conscious decision about how to be in a monogamous relationship (different from what’s been modeled for you), it’s a different story. But the fact that you grew up believing that monogamy is the only option for how to be in relationship with the world around you, is an act of violence. When you fill the role that was laid out for you, you give up your agency. The role that was laid out for the collective (including you) was designed for you to uphold intersectional systems of oppression.

AKA, mono-normativity is a social construct! It’s not the law of nature. It’s simply one way of co-existing. And, yea, it works for some people. But within the context of U.S. society, the only reason you associate monogamy as “normal” is because of centuries of social conditioning through a series of punishments and rewards. It’s a political agenda to keep us divided and conquered so that the oppressor class may continue reaping the benefits. Listen to this podcast for more.

The oppressing class has socially conditioned the collective to associate monogamy with safety. The reality is that Unconscious Monogamy is rooted in scarcity. It gives you an illusion of safety while systematically creating more violence through it's ripple effects - for, both, you and others.

Let’s get into the side effects of unconscious monogamy, starting with how it’s minimizing love & intimacy in your daily life...


The Love & Liberation Network is a support group for non-monogamous folks developing secure attachment. I guide you with clear next steps for developing secure attachment & the community is there to support and celebrate you.

  • We meet Thursdays on Zoom at 4pm PT / 7pm ET

  • Get early access (+ discounts) to workshops & classes

  • Join the discussion

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